Sometimes you have to let yourself actually fully experience and feel pain and being hurt by someone in order for you to never want to feel that way again.
A person can’t hurt you unless you give them permission to, and that permission is vulnerability.
Trust is built when you give someone that permission to hurt you and they consciously decide not to.
Trust is broken when someone or something takes advantage of that permission and knowingly or even unknowingly hurts you.
Forgiveness, grace and trust then fall back on the person who will get hurt.
What’s worse? The person who hurts or the person who allows themselves to get hurt?
I think they’re equal.
There definitely is a time to allow yourself to be hurt, but only for the intention of learning from that pain.
But when you allow yourself to hurt but don’t allow yourself to learn from it you’re just as bad as the person doing the hurting.
What I’m saying is that pain isn’t a bad thing necessarily. Pain is a part of evolution it’s a part of our growth.
It’s what we decide to do with that pain. Are we going to learn from it or are we going to allow ourselves to stay hurt for the sake of being hurt?
You can’t decide whether or not you get hurt or feel pain.
But you CAN decide what you do with it.
Lately I’ve been dealing with one of the worst bouts of depression I think I ever have. Most nights I go to sleep wishing that I won’t wake up. I know that’s morbid and dramatic but it’s the truth.
I’ve suffered from depression ever since I was a little kid. Having to deal with so many traumatic events at such a young age really messed me up and I’m dealing with a lot of the aftermath of that to this day.
I used to be (and still kind of am) so ashamed of who I was. Of what I was dealing with. I learned how to fake a smile pretty well because I hated not having an answer for when people would ask me “what’s wrong?”.
I’m starting to accept that there’s nothing “wrong” with me. I’m not broken. God made me this way for a reason.
I used to not care what people thought about me. Well, that’s kind of a lie. What I mean by that is I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, open and honest with people. This past year changed a lot of that.
Between my job, my relationships and my “friends” I kept getting beat down with the feeling of “not being good enough”. This feeling of no matter what I do I’m going to disappoint somebody.
I went from being open and vulnerable about who I am to doing my best to hide my every flaw and trying to make everyone around me happy. When I failed at one I failed at the other.
I kept failing. the people around me didn’t hesitate at pointing out my failings either. Clearly I wasn’t a “good enough Christian” for a lot of people. I started to believe that. I started to believe that God wanted nothing to do with me because I was so disgusting. My sin was too much. If Christians are supposed to be representatives of Christ and of God then the grace and compassion I was receiving severely impacted my relationship with God in a very negative way.
If these “strong” followers of Christ were treating me this way then clearly it must be how God feels as well.
Unloved. That’s a great way to describe how I’ve felt over the past year. Completely and utterly unloved.
I wanted to seek God but I felt like he was disappointed and ashamed of me.
My personal relationships suffered as well. I wasn’t good enough.
My job suffered. I wasn’t good enough.
Now I have people telling me that it’s a lie. That I AM good enough. I have people telling me to just read my bible and pray. That this is just a hard time and I’ll make it through it.
The reality is that this past year did some serious damage to who I am. There were people in my life that impacted me in a very negative way. I’m in the process of healing, but I have no idea what that looks like.
How do I begin to heal from this? I still don’t feel good enough. I’m only now becoming comfortable with praying to God again, but only little by little.
When you spend a year feeling worthless, feeling like an option or second place, feeling like an outsider, a sinner. When everything you thought you were begins to break down little by little over time. When you’re told and feel like you’re not good enough over and over again, you start to believe it’s true.
That’s where I’m at. That’s where i’ve been.
I want to rebuild and move forward but I don’t know how.
I’m seeking God, well at least I’m trying to.
The truth is…I really hate myself sometimes…
I’m only writing this to vent. I need to purge my system. Writing things out has been cathartic to me when I need it the most.
I feel like a failure…plain in simple. I feel like I’m not good enough for much of anything and anyone in my life. I keep messing up and I keep disappointing people.
I don’t like having pity parties, because that doesn’t help. I refuse to talk to anyone really except God because I hate feeling like I’m complaining or having a pity party. I hate feeling like a burden to people when I go through periods like this.
I feel so weak inside. There are days where I can be around people I love all day and still feel desperately lonely inside. I’ve tried clinging to God but even then I feel like a disappointment and a failure at times.
I hate this feeling of being alone. I know it isn’t true and I know that there are people in my life who love and care about me deeply. But lately it’s just been hard to believe.
I feel like who i am, who i TRULY am, isn’t good enough. Every time I show bits of my real self to people I tend to get hurt or people tend to shy away. So I’ve gone back to doing what I’ve done my whole life and that’s pretend. Put a mask on. Hide.
I promised myself I’d never become that person again, but it seems like I’m losing that battle.
and that’s what upsets me the most. because I got tired of hiding and I cherish vulnerability.
I want to be vulnerable again, but I’m just too afraid right now.