The truth is…I really hate myself sometimes…
I’m only writing this to vent. I need to purge my system. Writing things out has been cathartic to me when I need it the most.
I feel like a failure…plain in simple. I feel like I’m not good enough for much of anything and anyone in my life. I keep messing up and I keep disappointing people.
I don’t like having pity parties, because that doesn’t help. I refuse to talk to anyone really except God because I hate feeling like I’m complaining or having a pity party. I hate feeling like a burden to people when I go through periods like this.
I feel so weak inside. There are days where I can be around people I love all day and still feel desperately lonely inside. I’ve tried clinging to God but even then I feel like a disappointment and a failure at times.
I hate this feeling of being alone. I know it isn’t true and I know that there are people in my life who love and care about me deeply. But lately it’s just been hard to believe.
I feel like who i am, who i TRULY am, isn’t good enough. Every time I show bits of my real self to people I tend to get hurt or people tend to shy away. So I’ve gone back to doing what I’ve done my whole life and that’s pretend. Put a mask on. Hide.
I promised myself I’d never become that person again, but it seems like I’m losing that battle.
and that’s what upsets me the most. because I got tired of hiding and I cherish vulnerability.
I want to be vulnerable again, but I’m just too afraid right now.
I kind hate the phrase “YOLO” (You Only Live Once) but it has so much truth in it despite how much it’s been misconstrued.
When people say “YOLO” it’s usually for incredibly stupid reasons ranging from “I really shouldn’t have another piece of cake but YOLO!” or “I should probably get my life together but I love being young and reckless YOLO!” It’s used as an excuse to justify making stupid decisions and I hate that.
I do love the sobering reminder that we do not get a second go around at this life. I only have this one try at this, so what am I doing to do with this opportunity?
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
These are the things that I’m going to be holding myself to.
To learn how to not stress about things that I can’t control…
To live in the present moment and truly appreciate it…
To take risks and chances at the risk of failure…
To not be so hard on myself when i do fail…
I want to look back on my life and know that I told my own unique story. I don’t want to waste this one chance at telling that story.
So whether you say “YOLO” or not the truth still remains; tomorrow is never promised to us so we have to make sure we live each day to the fullest.
My relationship with God over the past year as been interesting. I’ve experienced my highest highs and also my lowest lows. Unfortunately, the lows have far outlasted the highs for me this year when it comes to my relationship with Him. There were times where I was so bitter and angry towards God that I wondered if that relationship would ever be reconciled. Sure enough it is being reconciled…slowly.
I’ve written numerous times about my trust and vulnerability issues, two things that were the catalyst to my struggle this year. I hate admitting when something is truly bothering me, like deeply upsetting me. That’s because I’m stupid and prideful. But for awhile I had a difficult time even admitting that there was something severely wrong in mine and God’s relationship.
I turned my relationship with Jesus into a religion.
And when my religion failed me I decided that God had failed me as well. When I felt alone or when I went through times of deep depression, it was because God had abandoned me. I knew none of this was true but there’s a huge difference between knowing something cognitively in your head and truly believing something in your heart.
I started to equate my behavior with how much God was tolerating me at the moment. My morality and my goodness became my measuring stick to how much God loved me and how much he wanted to do with me.
If I wasn’t reading my bible, If I was praying, If I wasn’t going to church, If I wasn’t listening to Chris Tomlins Greatest Hits 24 hours a day then clearly God wasn’t happy with me. How could he love me when I wasn’t being a good Christian.
I know this is silly, but when this struggle is happening in your heart it can be devastating.
I pushed back. Not outwardly but inwardly. I started to resent and rebel against God in my heart.
Throughout it all I was confused as to why God never broke all that crap down. I was furious that He didn’t force himself back into my life. I couldn’t understand, if God loved me so much why would he let me walk away from him.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized that He was just waiting. His love never ceased. His grace never stopped. His patience with me was beyond my understanding.
It’s like I’ve been throwing a year long temper tantrum and God has just been patiently waiting for me to calm down, catch my breath and give me a hug.
Things still aren’t perfect, and they never will be. But things are getting better.
And when you think that it never will get better and it starts to, that is more than enough to propel you forward.
I feel like I’ve gotten my fight back.
I feel like I understand grace more today than I did yesterday and I pray for that to continue for the rest of my life.
I swear this post isn’t going to be as depressing as the title sounds. What it should say is “I’m too hard on myself most days” but that’s too many words for a headline.
but this has been one of my biggest battles lately, and it’s not one that I’ve been winning. Although, it has been one that I’ve learned a lot from.
I don’t know why it happens, but I just become overly discouraged by the lack of progress in my life (on many different levels), until that’s all I see…a lack of progress.
all I’ve gone through and came out of no longer matters. My successes become less and less valid, and my mistakes become more and more devastating.
This has been hard for me, especially having to deal with it so far away from home. Away from people who love and know me most. and that’s one of the biggest parts of this battle. finding out who i am here. and the reason why I’m so hard on myself is because I don’t necessarily like who I’m becoming here. on a personal level.
On a spiritual level it’s a whole different battle. I’ve felt like my relationship with God has taken some pretty heavy blows in the past 12 months, but it’s helped me reshape my theology and find my relationship with Christ in a new way.
It hasn’t been all bad and it hasn’t been all good, but I’m learning to cut myself some slack.
No, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m also not where I was…and I guess that’s progress
I learned to not be afraid to be myself
I learned that good friends will come and go but great friends will be with you no matter how far away you are
I learned to not be so hard on myself (still learning that one)
I learned that it’s okay to fight with God
and I learned that he always wins (and that that’s a good thing)
I learned that I should write more (blogs,journal,songs,etc..) it’s good for my soul
I learned how to listen
I learned that a real church family is hard to find no matter how options are given to you
I learned that God loves me just as I am
I learned that I have trust issues
I’m learning to trust people more
I learned to embrace the hard times, it’s always just a lesson in disguise
I learned to stop comparing my life with someone elses
I learned to always finish what you start
I learned that if you want someone to be honorable, then treat them with honor
I’m learning how to react well
I’m learning to never stop learning